Hamburg, Germany

FROM ‘MARA, MARIETTA’
Intermezzo 9: Siri

I don’t know what to do. I thought I could get myself together. I thought I’d pull through. I thought I could lay to rest the ghost I’d set loose. What a fool! I sip my soup. I wipe my mouth. I drop my serviette. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe a wandering phantom is all I am. Where is my will to struggle? Do I not have inner resources, do I not have any reserves? Once a café like this, in a city like this, would be enough to rouse my spirits. Once a high-backed banquette, with lovers sitting like that, would make me raise my glass in homage. Now they make me cry…

I don’t know what to do. I had a beer in a neighbourhood bar. I felt out of place.

I took a walk by the lake. I was so lonely I felt inhuman.

At the Abaton-Kino I saw Bertolucci’s Besieged. In the tenderness of its silence I let my tears flow. Leaving the cinema, I tried to talk to a woman. I asked her if she’d liked the film. She just walked away. I invited another for a drink; she said she’s waiting for her boyfriend.

I don’t know what to do. There’s no more Beatles on the Reeperbahn. I don’t know what to do…